what you are now, what you once were
by Hedonistic Opportunist
Summary: "What was the old me like? I mean," Tohru looks at Momiji again,"you knew her right?" Momiji/Tohru. Written for springkink.


_**what you are now, what you once were **_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own a thing. _**  
**_

**Warning(s): **Some mild brackets abuse, some mild mentions of sex and kissing, angst. Self-edited.

**Notes:** Concrit is love.

...

For the longest time, after she wakes up, the only thing Tohru _(they told her that's her name) _remembers is feeling this weary sort of emptiness.

She feels she should be happy that's she's still alive (_you fell off a cliff,_ a boy called Yuki told her), but she doesn't. After all, what's the point of being happy or anything really when you're suddenly faced with the realisation that the past eighteen years of your life are nothing but a white blank.

_(Nothing. All your existence wiped out in a matter of minutes.)_

And the doctors tell her that she'll probably never remember. Tohru wishes she could cry, but then she doesn't know _what _to cry about.

...

A lot of people visit her.

At first, she tries to smile (_you're good at that_, a boy called Momiji tells her), but it feels strange and, even if her _former self_ was good at it, this Tohru feels it's a lie, so she stops.

And she can see that they're disappointed, but Tohru is disappointed too. Disappointed that people expect her to talk and act like someone who's no longer there. Like one of those porcelain dolls, whose lips you paint in jade red and expect to turn into a geisha, but end up feeling betrayed when it doesn't.

She's angry that people are expecting a miracle where there isn't any to be found.

_Just fucking stop_, she wants to screech at them, _and leave me be. _

_Leave me alone. _

But they don't. And Tohru feels like she's surrounded by a thousand hollow masks, and she is the only who doesn't fit in.

...

The day Tohru is released from the hospital, she's accompanied by two friends - she doesn't remember them, but she likes them. They make her feel _safe_, and Tohru is grateful because she needs something to hold onto. And they don't expect anything of her, which she is thankful for.

Tohru blinks for a moment; she can feel someone looking at her - and she turns around. There's a boy with a strange shade of red - _or is it orange_, she wonders - hair and with the most intense eyes she's ever seen. He's staring at her, as if -

_(she betrayed him). _

Tohru doesn't know. But she's both terrified and intrigued.

...

_It gets easier with time_, Tohru thinks, _to reassemble the missing puzzle bits into a new picture. _Maybe it's not as glorious as before, or wholly complete, but it's manageable.

Maybe it's because everything has passed by into a blur - her moving in with her friend Uo-chan (it feels strange still to use that name, but Tohru manages), then going back to school and graduating (she remembers the stares and whispers, but her friends told her to ignore them.)

But one of the whispers she heard was _Sohma_. Always _Sohma_.

Tohru wonders whether the Sohmas are the people who visited her during her hospital stay (that boy called Yuki, another one called Momiji and others whose names she can't remember).

It's odd. She doesn't see them anymore.

She did catch a few glimpses of that Yuki boy at school, and he smiled at her (a bit sadly, with eyes that had a lot to say, but - in the end - he never approached her.) Sometimes, she caught a glimpse of that red-haired boy (_he wasn't a figment of her imagination then_, she thought), and she saw him staring at her, still looking at her as if she'd done something terrible -

However, Tohru, because she's already lost eighteen years of her life, decides not to think about it anymore because she wants to move on.

...

It's some two years later that she meets Momiji again (she remembers him because he visited her often, always smiling despite him having the saddest pair of eyes she'd ever seen).

She's just finished classes for the day (she's decided to become a teacher - a decision both of her friends support whole-heartedly) when she practically runs right into his arms_ (still so clumsy,_ Hana-chan always teases her).

At first, Tohru feels awkward and she can see him flushing too, which is strange on a young man that handsome (_he looks a bit like a prince_, she thinks). But, because he's smiling and friendly, Tohru finds it easier and easier to talk with him, and doesn't decline when he invites her to a nearby cafe.

"So, Tohru-chan has finally gotten herself a boyfriend," Uo-chan teases her after a few months, and Tohru - despite herself - turns a brilliant shade of red.

"We just meet up and talk." And it's true - she and Momiji really don't do anything else. She likes to listen to him because his voice is gentle, and he -

_(when he smiles, she feels her stomach doing those strange little flip flops and, sometimes, when his hand brushes against hers on the table, they both turn crimson and stammer, but he doesn't pull away and she doesn't either -)_

"Oh, Tohru-chan, Tohru-chan," Uo-chan says and shakes her head, "just admit you _fancy _him."

She's probably never been a good liar, Tohru thinks, because she can only nod. And Uo-chan starts laughing and laughing, though something in the way she's looking tells Tohru that she's a bit sad too.

She wonders why.

...

"Say, Momiji -" Tohru hesitates.

"Spit it out," he tells her and grabs hold of her hand, rubbing it soothingly. "It can't be anything bad."

"What was the old me like? I mean," Tohru looks at Momiji again,"you knew her right?"

Momiji's hand is trembling, but he doesn't let go. "She was … _perfect_. Always smiling, always helping others out. I -"

It's there in his voice, it's there in the way he's looking at her, and the way he talks to her -

"You were in love with her, weren't you?" Tohru frowns because she suddenly feels jealous (how odd to feel jealous of yourself!).

"Yes." His tone is firm, and his eyes tell her everything she needs to know. Tohru suddenly wants to go, but Momiji is still holding onto her. "But I l_ove you_, not just the former you, but who you are too now -"

"You're lying-" Tohru starts, but Momiji pulls her closer and his lips are pressed against hers before she can finish.

His lips are warm and soft, his hands are even warmer as he wraps them around her waist and Tohru closes her eyes.

_This should be wrong,_ she thinks, but as Momiji deepens the kiss, she feels more complete than she has in years.

...

Tohru and Momiji's relationship progresses naturally after that. No longer just talking and talking, they often go to his apartment now (where he either serves her tea or shares cake with her, and afterwards they stumble on the sofa like two love-struck teenagers and just kiss for hours).

Tohru likes being with Momiji.

He's gentle and kind, knows how to make her giggle and moan at the same time _(when he kisses her neck, licks the shell of her ear and tickles her). _It's weird how she's not ashamed of being with him, how she often initiates the kissing herself _(she often crawls up to him when he's drinking tea, wraps her arms around him and - when he turns around - kisses him). _

Tohru never asks about Momiji's family and he makes a point of not talking about them.

"My mother doesn't remember me, and I have a sister who doesn't know that I'm her brother," Momiji tells her a year after they've been dating. They're both sitting on the couch, her head on his chest and he's rubbing her back, lazily. Tohru, if it weren't for the words he's saying, would just close her eyes and go to sleep.

"Momiji-" Tohru says, but doesn't finish. There's a lump in her throat and her chest feels heavy. She wants to help, wants to be there for him, but she doesn't know how. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine. It's already been years, and I decided long ago that it's better to live in the present than mourn after ghosts of the past." He's smiling warmly at her now, and Tohru finds herself thinking - as she often does - that Momiji is one of the wisest people she's ever known.

...

Sex with Momiji is a natural thing, Tohru decides. It's funny how she isn't embarrassed by him, how she doesn't mind being with him like _this _either -

_You are beautiful_, he often tells her when making love to her, his hands so tender and his kisses making her feel all tingly. Sometimes, he'll tease her - prolong things and she'll protest (pout a bit, perhaps) and he'll laugh and smile and then kiss her gently, calling her his princess.

And Tohru, when she's with Momiji like this, does feel like being part of a fairy tale because he was the one who brought her back to life.

_(she might not be who she was once, but she doesn't mind because she likes who she is right now)._

_...  
_

"But why do you want me to meet your family now?" Tohru asks.

She's still not sure why she's decided to tag along. She feels a bit out of place in this fancy building with those fashionably dressed people (she's totally under-dressed and so is Momiji, in fact, but he doesn't look out of place, she thinks).

Momiji is oddly quiet, and biting his under lip. "I want you to meet someone again. He rarely comes along, and - look I haven't seen my family in ages either." Tohru knows that, knows that Momiji avoids his family and that, apart from a few phone calls every now and then, he hasn't bothered keeping in touch.

In the end, the person Momiji wanted her to meet turns out to be Kyo Sohma. Tohru recognises that shade of hair first; he's standing there in the corner, talking to a grey-haired man and … he's a bit older yes, taller too, but Tohru instantly knows that he's that boy who was gazing at her the day she was released from the hospital and the same boy who, sometimes, would stare at her in the hallways at school.

When he sees her, Kyo freezes and Tohru … she's not sure whether she should just leave or walk up to him. She opts for the former.

"Wait - Tohru," he says as he grips her by the wrist.

Tohru stands still. She should ask him to let her go, but the way he's looking at her (really, really looking at her as if he had a thousand and one things to say, but didn't know where to start) renders her speechless. So, she just remains there.

"You-why are you here?"

"I came here with Momiji," Tohru says and he lets her go of her wrist as if she'd burnt him.

Tohru frowns. "Is there a problem with that? Or my being here?"

She hates it, she decides. The way Kyo is looking at her, the way he's obviously disgusted at something - she's not sure if it's her or what she just said. But it doesn't matter, Tohru decides. She doesn't like him in either case (a part of her wonders if she did like him once).

"No, no problem with it. I'm sorry I have to -" He gestures at something, and Tohru nods, even though she knows that he's just running away from her. However, it doesn't matter because Tohru won't run after him - she has no reason to.

_(Kyo Sohma is not part of this Tohru's life anymore and she isn't the one who can save him now). _

When Momiji comes back, he apologises and grabs her by the hand; he's shaking and his smile, Tohru notices, is forced. She hates it, he doesn't have to pretend for her (Tohru knows how much he hates being here too).

"So did you meet him?"

"Yes, he's not very friendly." Tohru knows she sounds irritated, and can see Momiji's eyes widening.

"No, he isn't. But -" He's trying to tell her something, his eyes are blazing with so much emotion that Tohru feels like pulling him closer for a kiss, but - there are people here - so she just squeezes his hand (_please don't talk about the past_, she's saying like this).

"But _what_? I saw him, tried to leave, he grabbed me and asked me why I was there. I told him why, and he then left." Tohru feels herself growing angrier. She really doesn't like this place, or the way the Sohmas are treating her (they are nice, mostly, but look at her as if she were ugly memory).

Tohru is fed up of living up to people's expectations.

"Tohru -" Momiji starts, but then he smiles. It's a bit of a sad smile, as if he's done something bad, but Tohru doesn't understand and - to be honest - she doesn't want to. She's done with trying to understand something that is no longer part of her life. No, the only thing she understands right now is that she only needs Momiji _(not ghosts of the past, but just Momiji and she hopes that he understands that too). _

"Let's just go home, Momiji."

_(Because Momiji is her home now). _

_...  
_


End file.
